Why you are the Family Fixer and What to do about it: Parentification in Brown Families

 I’m going to talk about the childhood origins of being the family fixer, the cultural reasons for this dynamic being more likely and most importantly how to fix it. By the end of this episode you’ll see why the burden always falls to you, why you are always putting out fires and how to change so you are less exhausted, resentful and have better relationships.

I don’t believe in quick fixes, I think if it were that easy - you’re smart and capable enough to have done it by now so I’ll also go over some of the common obstacles you might face along the way and the reasons why this is actually really hard.

Childhood Psychology & Why you are the ‘Fixer’.

So we’re going all the way back to childhood with this one. The first thing I need you to know is that when we are children, staying in connection and being loved by our parents is as important for our survival as food, water and shelter. If we are rejected by the tribe, we will be eaten by Tigers in the Jungle. This is a deep and biological software that we all have downloaded when we are born okay, it’s like an app that’s just running in the background - we aren’t consciously aware of this.

To a child’s brain, disconnection is as good as being left to die. A child’s perception of danger is also VERRRRY different, so looking back it might be that we don’t recognise that anything was wrong but you gotta remember we’re looking back with adult brains now.

So we are biologically wired to stay in connection and adapt to our caregivers in order to have our needs met and looked after. 

Okay so now we’re all on board with this concept, I want you to think back to your childhood, how did you stay in connection with the people who looked after you? What were you praised for? Were there any obstacles you had to overcome to maintain connection? Were there financial struggles, any parental mental or physical illness, addiction, were your parents able to navigate the world easily, did you grow up in a single parent household? Did you help with parenting your siblings, or even parenting your parents?

Pause this now if you want to have a think about it, write these questions down, grab a book and a pen and write whatever comes to mind or just think about it if you’re listening to this and folding laundry or reading or something.

Generational Trauma & Cultural Factors

Okay next I’m going to shift to some of the wider societal factors that affect immigrant and diaspora communities so stay with me these 2 things will tie together I promise.

My lived experience is from the South Asian perspective, I’m Punjabi so in our collective history some of our families may have been the refugees of Partition, with many of our grandparents witnessing and experiencing acts so violent and depraved that they refuse to ever speak of it again. After being displaced many then left for the UK for a better life during labour shortages and were poor and traumatised, in an alien land with alien customs and hostility and hatred from the locals.

If they couldn’t speak the language or understand the customs, they would often need to rely on their children who were born there.

If they worked a lot - often factory work or low paid jobs, they would have to rely on one child to be a parent to the other siblings when no one else was around.

If they were chronically ill or mentally ill or addicted to substances often from the things they had experienced or seen, often one child would step into the role of being the caretaker or the ‘responsible one’.

In a single parent house or a household with one parent that is emotionally checked out or mentally ill, one of the children can also become the emotional support for the parent with the parent confiding in them about adult problems like their relationships and finances.

You learn to anticipate your parent’s needs in the unconscious hopes that maybe if you meet them, they will look after yours.

Does this sound familiar to you?

How to Fix This

Okay so let’s move onto the next part of the puzzle which is how to fix this. There is a name for this relationship dynamic called the Karpman Drama Triangle and there are 3 roles in the triangle, Rescuer/Fixer, The Victim and the Persecutor. I’ll link a fantastic youtube video about this - it’s 5 minutes and honestly it’s just great, I really really recommend giving it a watch to understand this in more depth.

In this drama triangle we have one role we tend to gravitate towards which in this case is the Fixer/Rescuer and what we need to do is transform ourself from a “Fixer” to a “Coach.”

Okay what does this mean - so this means being there for people to ENCOURAGE them instead of jump in and do things for them. You want to be a coach or a teacher - when teachers see their students struggling with their homework, they don’t do it for them. If they are GOOD teachers, they provide the tools and resources and offer empathy and encouragement and they let them struggle. They let them not always get it right.

Think more “I know you can do it”, “What do you think you are going to do about this?” “I can see how this is difficult for you.” “What’s your plan?” putting the responsibility back on them.

Obstacle 1

Before you curse me and turn this off look - I know what you’re thinking. 

Isn’t that selfish? I can’t see someone suffering and not help. They need me!

Look I know it feels mean, I know it feels like it goes against everything you have ever known but what’s more loving than being with someone when they fall? When they make mistakes? Staying in connection with them while they build their own skills and ability to fix their OWN problems.

When we jump in and fix things for someone we prevent their chance for learning and growth, we literally rob them of this opportunity. The ability to fix our own problems is like a muscle and when we don’t ever have to use it, it shrinks.

This means that by fixing things we actually make people more dependent on us, we re-enforce helplessness, lack of confidence and we rob people of the sometimes painful but necessary gift of consequence.

Something my therapist once said to me is you can’t save all the small ships out to sea, but you can be a light house for them to guide their own way back. How can you be a lighthouse? What is lighthouse behaviour to you?

It might be modelling boundaries, modelling self care, being emotionally available without jumping into the sea to potentially get swept away yourself.

Obstacle 2

Another obstacle we are likely to face with adapting our behaviour - I’ll be so real with you. People will not like it, if they have always experienced you a certain way, you can probably expect a certain amount of protest or resistance. 

Some people might also be likely to ramp up the helplessness because for them - being helpless is their strategy to stay in connection. This also requires a huge amount of resolve on your part which honestly some days you will not be able to pull from those reserves.

When you’re sick, triggered, exhausted any new behaviour is going to be 10x harder so I really want to stress that this really isn’t easy and even if after listening to this podcast you continue to jump in please know that this takes time and the first step is to bring this unconscious pattern into the conscious even if you continue to do it, just being aware is the first step.

Obstacle 3

This will require a huge amount of discomfort on your part as well, sitting with the guilt, sitting with the pain of not helping - I won’t lie to you, it’s going to feel grimmo.

And you might ask well what’s the point then? And my answer to you is that you kind of already feel grimmo, you already feel uncomfortable and you’re already feeling guilty. So can you endure those feelings in service of things changing for the better, it’s going to be shit either way - but one option offers you some light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’re a hardcore people pleaser, I’m so serious I really do not want to undermine how difficult this is to do and it’s such a meaty topic that I’ll revisit it in a future episode. So please be gentle with yourself.

You know Luisa Madrigal in Encanto - the really strong one, she had to crash out and learn that she is lovable as she is and her worth is not from helping other people for her to heal from the pressure of the entire village relying on her and I think it’s pretty safe to say that you’ll need to go through this transformation too.

So now we’re at the end, I just want to acknowledge that it really sucks that you’re having to do all this work and I know that it’s really unfair and you didn’t choose this. 

I want to know was that the answer you wanted? How did it feel hearing this, what feelings did it bring up for you? I’d love to know, send me an email, a comment or dm me on instagram and let me know if there are any other topics you want me to cover.

Subscribe for more content about growing up between cultures and if you’re looking for a therapist to be a light house for YOU (haha see what I did there) click here to book a free chat with me.

Until next time.